Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Divine Wind of Islam

Hi, my name is Roque (that's pronounced "Rocky," not "Ro-kay," smart-ass!), and I'm helping Mr Vaughan this time because sometimes he really needs help. I was the one who gave him the idea about Pakistan being the Joker...


...you can read it if you want, but I don't know I'd bother. I mean, the idea was mine, but the execution was his, and let's just say "execution" is pretty apt. Don't get me wrong -- Mr Vaughan is a fine old fellow in an erudite, old-country sort of way, but he can go on and on until you just feel like walking out, even if you're on the freeway going 115 kph; on the other hand, it's hard not to like an old duffer with 50,000 books and 300 old movie serials. When I told him I had a new idea for a post, he growled, "Then write the damned thing yourself, you young swine!" Did I mention that, like other writers, Mr Vaughan has a hard time with honest criticism?


Now, every traveller knows that when you're in another country, you have to take other customs, laws and traditions into consideration. After all, when Mom and I were in Mongolia all that burping just meant we enjoyed the meal; and in Lhasa you shook your own hands, not anyone else's, but in Germany if you didn't shake an acquaintance's hand they went all Teutonic on you; and don't step on a coin in Thailand; and don't chew gum during Ramadan; and don't kiss a girl "wrong" in Spain (I have no idea); and don't say NASCAR is rubbish in Alabama, or Manchester United is in England. But, really, no farting in Afghanistan?


Marines serving in Afghanistan have received orders from the Pentagon to curtail farting in the presence of Muslims, at least audibly; they not really supposed to fart at all. That's just great! Now our warriors not only have to worry about IEDs, but SBDs as well. You see, Muslims don't fart. They just hold it. They keep all those distending digestive gasses inside them. Mohammed (the real one, not the 10 million guys named that now) said they were not allowed to "pass wind," and especially not when praying. Hey, it's in the Quran! You fart while praying, you not only have to start praying all over, but you have to wudu again -- washing, and they don't just mean laves sus manos! Some say it has something to do with a fart sounding like Satan talking, while others say it's just compulsive religious cleanliness, but I can think of other reasons Muslims don't want to let a thunderer rip right in the middle of prayer...


Marines in Afghanistan already have a tough row to hoe -- no thumb's-up gestures, no looking at girls, no talking about politics, no Bibles, no liquor, no shorts, no halter tops (for girl Marines, though maybe some of the boys now that DADT bit the dust), no cussing, no spitting, no nose picking, no girlie (or beefy) magazines, no chewing or smoking tobacco. And now no farting. That's like outlawing baseball, maybe worse. I guess it's a good thing that POTUS is shortening overseas tours...I mean, how long can you hold it in? Hold it in too long and the results could be catastrophic...


Muslims must have extreme religious fervor, conviction and faith (not to mention intestines of steel) to keep their gasses in check. However, since the Arabs, particularly the Saudis, have had decades of experience controlling gas maybe it's not that great a feat after all...no, it really is amazing. While there's no accepted evidence of anyone croaking from trapped gas, a pathological distention of the bowel is possible, which would result in pain, irritation, bad temper, intolerance and impatience...that could explain alot. At least the Arabs, being close to sea level, don't have to worry about HAFE -- High Altitude Flatus Explosion; it was discovered in 1820, and, yes, it is as bad as it sounds...and it echoes. But Americans are not Arabs, and there are some things that are above and beyond, even for a Marine: sometimes you just have no other choice but to let freedom ring...


Personally I think the Pentagon is making a mistake, placing this unfair, and potentially painful, stricture on our Marines in Afghanistan. They are the greatest warriors the world has seen since the days of the Spartans; and the brass hats want these superb warriors to worry about an occasional toot. How about expecting the Muslims to be culturally tolerant for once? Or will that make CAIR cross? After all, nothing says submit like a sword edge that comes swinging right at.....

Sorry, folks. When I gave my young friend Roque permission to write this edition of "Right Here on the Left Coast" I thought he would be a bit more circumspect, a little more restrained. I had no idea he would raise such a stink, nor insult an entire religion. On the other hand, I do think Roque has a point -- America fights the world over for freedom...is it too much to ask that those countries and cultures receiving our help please remember that we ourselves are from another culture? If it is, perhaps they could find another sucker to help pull them out of the hell-hole they're stuck in. Anyway, do give some thought to Roque's arguments; and, yes, I can take criticism. Now, here's Roque, and he has promised a little more dignity as he finishes his thought on my blog.


Hey, everybody, I'm back. Who knew that Mr Vaughan was a bit on the squeamish side when it came to bodily functions. Heh, heh...I knew. Mr Vaughan is really very puritanical and prudish at heart, and I wonder sometimes if he's even better than a Muslim at controlling gas..."Just kidding, Mr Vaughan! I promise to keep it clean, so just let me finish..." So, here's the skinny in a nutshell: cultural consideration is a two-way street, Americans are all about freedom, and no one should tell a Marine not to fa...not to pass gas. Oh, I almost forgot, there's one more thing...

Pull my finger!

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